I'll never be who I once was, dear.

I seriously don’t remember why I even made one of these. Might come to use when school’s over and I’m bored.

Today was my mom’s 45th birthday, and I was fortunate enough to spend this birthday with her and almost all of my mother’s side of the family at Baldo’s for pizza. I sit down, getting ready to try and enjoy the evening, when my uncle comes over to me and gives me a hug. He starts to ramble about how his day went, and I sit there nodding my head pretending to give two shits about what he’s telling me while sipping my Pepsi.

“And as I was pulling out of the Secretary of State’s parking lot, you’ll never guess who I almost hit!”  I sit there, staring, waiting for a response. “Brent!”

Right as he said this, I could see all of my family members direct their attention to us and our conversation, specifically my aunt and mother, who could only give my uncle dirty looks. Anyone that knows about the situation between me and my ex knows that it’s the last thing you wanna bring up to me if I’m trying to have a decent day.

*To anyone choosing to read this, this post gets kinda personal. If you’re not into stupid mushy bullshit or relationship issues, I’d suggest immediately leaving this page. Shit can get overwhelming.*

I’m not trying to sound over-dramatic, but seriously after he said Brent’s name, I just froze. I wasn’t paying attention to any of the sounds around me, just the sound of my heart starting to beat more rapidly than it has in a while. I looked down and continued drinking my shitty beverage, giving him an answer of “Oh, that’s cool”.

He either sensed the tension or ran out of shit to say, and immediately changed the subject to something completely off-topic, which was a relief. About halfway through my second slice, I couldn’t help but be curious. How was Brent? Did he still have the same job? Still going to school? Did he still believe in God? Is he happy? Does he still have the same group of friends? How is his family? Did he meet someone else? Does he love her as much as he said he loved me?

All of these questions building up in my head and all of their possible answers caused me to lose my appetite. I tried to throw myself into the multiple conversations being had at the table, the weather, school, Japan, babies, Michigan’s economy, South Carolina. I still couldn’t stop thinking about him, or about the questions I had for him.

Everyone that knows my uncle knows he’s a fucking social butterfly, similar to that of his lovely niece. His small talk can last anywhere between 30 seconds up to 30 minutes. I couldn’t resist.

“So, did you two talk for very long?”

“Well, I asked him how he was doing, and I asked him what brought him up to the SofS. He seemed to be doing alright, he definitely recognized me.”

“Is that it?”

“Yup, that’s about it.”

I couldn’t help but be a little upset by the fact that they didn’t talk longer, not that they really had any reason to talk for any longer than a minute. I was the only connection between the two. I’m gone, completely out of his life, they have no reason to converse about anything, really. If anything, it just felt like a huge slap in the face to me. When people talk, usually it’s about a common interest, whether it be sports, movies, or people. This was just a reminder to me that I was no longer an interest to him, and that he has completely moved on, while I’m still stuck where I was almost 6 months ago. I’m the person that was in the relationship that hasn’t completely moved on, and I hate it more than anything else in this world. 

I know, it sounds ridiculous. I haven’t talked to the kid since the end of October. I wasn’t even there when this whole scenario happened, my uncle just happened to have told me. But still, it has pretty much put a damper on my whole evening. I’ve been in love with this kid since we were 15. The kid that I almost uprooted my whole life for, almost moved to the other side of the country (literally, Florida) for. The kid who I loved more than anything/anyone else in this world, and who I would have had no problem laying my life on the line for, and he completely cut off all communication with me within hours of our last meeting.

But still, I thought my name would have been brought up at least once.

I was probably in that bathroom stall for at least 10 minutes, trying to fix my make up and fight back tears while pissing and trying to get my heart to stop beating so god damn fast at the same time. It was just like high school all over again. A defeated, emotionally broken-down girl crying over some asshole who doesn’t deserve to be cried over. Only in reality, it wasn’t the same thing. I know in my heart that Brent isn’t the worst person to walk the face of this earth, and that he probably has his reasons for why he cut off all communication so abruptly. He’s not an asshole. He was probably just as torn up about everything that had happened between us as I was.

Maybe this is the reason why I have such a painfully hard time confiding in other people. Maybe this is the reason why I can never take the idea of a relationship, or monogamy in general, as seriously as I once use to. I use to cherish the idea of having an everlasting love that could defy all odds, a hopeless romantic, love conquers all type of gal. Now, the thought of being fully committed to someone literally makes me feel somewhat physically ill. This must be the reason why I have almost no interest in any guy that pursues me, but all of the interest in the world over a guy that I can’t possibly have (Well, maybe not. I know quite a few women who fall under this category). Maybe this is the reason why I see every penis-bearing creature as a heartless bastard. Harsh? Yes. True? Yes. Sorry.

I drove home in complete silence. I just needed fifteen minutes to be alone with my thoughts, in the privacy of my car, the only place where I can be completely alone any time I want to get away from all the stupid people. Throughout the drive, fighting back tears the whole time and taking deep breaths. But as soon as I got home, it all came out.

I just wish he would have told me why I wasn’t worth talking to anymore, or why I wasn’t worth loving anymore. Closure would be great at this point.

I’m okay with this.

Please let me go. Cast this broken heart upon the shore, to mend and try to love again once more.

She lets him take it too far. Oh, my God. Why does she let him take it so far? Why did she let him out of her control? Now that she’s older, naivety is no longer accepted, or considered cute. Stupid, silly girl.